Captain Niblick – the world's worst golf skipper

By JMW, 2014

What does a golf club captain do? Is he an activist or merely a stooge?

   The answers to these and other pertinent worldly questions are to be found in this amusing book telling of the life of Mashie Niblick when he was surprisingly made captain of a small club in ancient woodland on the edge of the greatest city in the world.

   As last man standing in the captaincy stakes, his golf went from bad to dire during his astonishing year in office. It began with Niblick prancing across the greensward dressed as Robin Hood and riding a hobby horse and blowing his hunting horn while pursued by the Merry Men heading to the tee for Niblick's drive in to office.

   After a Pythonesqe comedy sketch, Niblick used an ancient wooden-shafted club to hit his golf ball a pathetic 32 yards when most club members had bet he would smite it at least 100 yards. He fell off the plate at a Last Hurrah party when he gave a loud rendition of his epic poem "Slagheaps of my Youth" while accompanied by Maid Marian, the fiddler on the hoof.

   His sole achievement while in office was to get a giant golf banner erected on the forecourt of the clubhouse. But as with all his fancy ideas, it fell by the wayside suffering constantly from erectile dysfunction.

   It's all there in this large coffee-table book…lowlights galore. Indeed, Niblick's Mantra - the wit and wisdom of the captain on the course, in the book, or at the bar of public opinion - in itself is worth cutting out and framing, for he comes up with such gems as the following:

• "For a prosperous future, back the Stock Market rather than Newmarket"
• "Whenever faced with a challenge, go for it"
• "Chance rules all our lives"
• "Confidence is the key to life, the universe and golf"

   The physical book is published in the USA by Xlibris at an astonishing £24.95, slightly less on Amazon where it had attracted four five-star reviews by May, 2014. The electronic version is considerably cheaper, but signed physical copies can be obtained for a HALF-PRICE £12 from the author including post and packing. Just send you name and address plus £12 cheque made out to J.M. Wade to 7 Carlina Gardens, Redbridge, London IG8 0BP for your copy.